Automatic, Conscious, Simple

Introduction

At the beginning of our journey we spoke of Survival Strategies (Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn) and the powerful role Meaning Making has had in developing our strategies, when and why we engage them, how we perceive ourselves, the world and so on.

Last week we spoke of Accepting What Is…and our Resistance therein.

As you have probably already noticed, Resistance and Meaning-Making are close cousins.

They are often fueled by the same forces:

• Fear (of threat or danger — real or imagined)
• Attachment
• Expectation
• Control

And they are driven by the same underlying intention: To keep us safe.

Both Resistance and Meaning-Making tend to come online very quickly. The mind rushes in to make sense of what has happened, reduce uncertainty, and restore a feeling of safety or control.

Even if the meaning we create is frightening or painful, the system is still attempting to answer questions like:

• What just happened?
• What does it mean?
• How do I avoid this in the future?

This process is incredibly fast and often happens before we even realize it.

But what if we approached these moments differently?

What if we allowed for another orientation — one that served our hearts and our relationships in a deeper way?

Example 1 — The Automatic Pattern

An event occurs. (Reality.)

We immediately interpret the event and assign it a meaning.

If we do not like the meaning we have assigned, our system often moves into Resistance. From there we may begin to ruminate, analyze, or create stories about the past, present and future.

We then respond to the event — and to the people involved — based on the meaning we created and the resistance we feel toward our own meaning.

Example 2 — Conscious Inquiry

An event occurs. (Reality.)

We notice that something has happened that we do not prefer. Based on our history, needs, or desires, there is a reaction inside of us.

Instead of immediately believing the interpretation that arises within us, we become curious.

We recognize that there may be more to understand — about what is happening within us and what may be happening for the other person.

This allows us to lean back, take our seat, and move into 80/20.

From this orientation, there is space for:

• Clearer understanding
• Deeper listening
• Greater coherence
• The possibility of attunement and connection

Example 3 — Simple Awareness

An event occurs. (Reality.)

We notice that something has happened.

There is no meaning-making assigned. Nothing to resist.

There is simply awareness that an event has occurred.

From this place, a choice point naturally emerges.

We may choose to engage with the event, explore it, communicate about it, or simply allow it to be.

There is no internal requirement to:

• Explain
• Prove
• Defend
• Fix
• Provide a response

By leaning back from fear, control, attachment, and expectation, we create space for:

• Taking our seat
• Returning to 80/20
• Accepting what is

And from that place, we allow life — and the other hearts involved — to unfold into a space of possibility, free of burdensome assumptions, expectations, judgements, needs.

Inquiries For Your Consideration

As you reflect on these examples:

• Which of the three examples feels most like your default?
• Is there one you prefer or feel drawn toward? What about it resonates with you?
• Is there one that feels uncomfortable, unrealistic, or difficult to imagine living from? If so, what about it feels challenging?
• Is there a combination of examples or something entirely different that you prefer? If so, what is it?

Scenario #1

Reality: Your partner does not respond to a text message you sent several hours ago.

Scenario #2

Reality: A friend cancels plans with you shortly before you were supposed to meet.